Heartfelt Sorrow

I shouldn't be sitting here crying. Never has my life seemed so clear to me. I may not have a lot of friends, but the handful that I do have are of the best quality. I may not have a job that pays out of this world, but I can say I go to work and enjoy my time there. I may not know exactly where my life is going, but I have my goals in place and work at them a little every day.  I may not have had a fairy tale ending with him, but I'm currently being treated the way every woman deserves to be treated plus some.

Yet it's a Friday night and I'm sitting here on the living room couch home alone listening to sad country songs. I've accomplished so much in the past few months and have grown so much as an adult and am becoming the person I've always wanted to be. So why am I sitting here with tears running down my face?

Why? Because it hurts. That's why. It hurts in ways so bad that I cannot even describe it, even though I may try.  It hurts to have loved him so incredibly much. I'll be honest here, I loved his stupid sense of humor and the way he walked too slow on our hikes. I loved driving around his dented up Hunter. I loved movie nights and eating way too much junk food. I loved swimming with those stupid goggles in the ocean. I love the way we wasted a day of vacation because we were too stupid to wear sunscreen. There wasn't much I didn't love about him. And those are all memories that I'll forever hold deep within my heart.  But I honestly felt like he was two men in one. It was as if I woke up one day and he had been replaced during the night with a complete stranger. I protected myself and removed myself from the situation. However, my heart still yearned for him. Then one day he was back. Right at my doorstep, almost literally. That day meant more to me than the day I ran down the stairs and tried to rip open a truck door that hadn't even yet been unlocked. I promised myself I would let my guard down one last time, but if it had ever gone back to previous problems...I was done. My brain would win over my heart. It was inevitable, and for that we both should have known. He was my first true love. What hurts is looking back and not knowing if the whole thing was a lie. Was my first love really four years with a man who I'm not even convinced loved me? I can't even convince myself that he liked me for that matter.

Then today came what I've been waiting for quite some time. An apology. I believe it to be sincere. I hope it was sincere. It was like a piece of closure I had been missing. He thought and cared about me enough that he needed to tell me he was sorry for the pain he hqe caused. It was the first time I felt that my feelings had been thought about. It's amazing how much power the words "I'm sorry" can have on a person and I'm so thankful to have heard them.

But I'm scared.  What if I put my all into this new one? Am I only setting myself up to be hurt? Does he honestly mean half of the sweet nothings he tells me? For that matter, how do I know he doesn't have a hidden life that I know nothing about? I'm such a skeptic over love. I'm positive I can feel it, and I know that I can fall, and I can fall harder than should be humanly possible. But I've been in two long term relationships. Nine years with two guys. Both ended with me asking the same questions.  I'm sure this more recent one will someday be like the first and  eventually not cause neither pain nor happiness when thought about. But what I'm not sure about is whether or not it's possible for somebody to love me in return. Nine years. Nine years where I was easily disregarded as a piece of trash and not worthy. And that hurts.

So now there's him. The guy every woman dreams of. Now, don't be getting the wrong idea. I'm not saying I'm in love this this guy, because heavens knows I'm going to take my sweet time from now on. All I'm saying is I recognize the qualities in him that are rare in men these days.

Not only did he stand out in the rain with me but he held my hair as I threw up from motion sickness in the parking lot of a fancy restaurant. He wants to cook for me. He lets me sing along with him...karaoke style...at a bar. That's brave because I can't sing well. He tries to surprise me, even though I always know I'll wake up to a sweet "good morning, beautiful" text message. He calls me "darling" and "beautiful". He told me he can't sleep on weekends we are together because he gets distracted by how peaceful I look when I'm asleep. He runs towards me, picks me up, and spins me in a circle when he sees me, like something straight out of a movie. He has his mother already asking when she gets to meet me (yikes!). Sounds pretty perfect right? I know it's not fair to hold other men against him (especially when he's been told the whole story, my side anyways and has been so completely understanding) but I do. Not necessarily hold them against him, but just against people in general. I know I kinda hurt his feelings the other day when I flinched when he play punched me. I know I hurt him when I woke up and said "I just had to make sure you were still here". I know he was upset when I misheard what he said and thought he was calling me a mean name. Each time he tells me he understands and gives me a big hug. I'm worried someday it will finally get to him and my past relationships will ruin this one. I'm worried that maybe he's too good to be true and somebody once I'm totally smitten his true colors will show though. Then I worry that i'm thinking that this and putting too much pressure on it and setting it up for disaster, which brings it back full circle. I'm hoping this isn't the case. His friends assure me he's not a player or closet douche bag. So I really am hoping that I can learn to relax and let my walls down. Be as carefree with him as I am with my new friends and life.