Sunday, April 7, 2013

Tony Lama

The past few weekends in a row, I've gone to my hometown. This past weekend, as much as I wanted to go home, I knew Mom wouldn't want me there because she had just started her chemo. She wasn't sure how she'd be feeling and didn't want us around if she was going to be sick, which she did end up being.

 Meanwhile, Beau had mentioned he had never been to Minnesota. Beau, being the southern gentleman he is, said since I wouldn't be going home again this weekend he didn't want me sitting at home worrying about my mother. That we needed to go out and do something. So...we went to Minneapolis. The mini roadtrip was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was one of the best weekends I'd had in awhile. Seriously, that man is easily my new best friend. In a completely different realm than lil Miss Nathlie! Just to put that out there!

We walked around downtown. Everywhere. All day. We wore our cowboy boots. Did I ever even mention I finally got some? Yeup, sure did. Cutest boots ever. We went to the Toby Keith bar. We went to the Mall of America. We accidentally got lost, a lot. We drove the wrong way down a one way street. We got stuck in an elevator. We accidentally paid for a free breakfast. We got hit by a snowball by a truck in front of us on the way there. We finger painted at a modern art museum. I warded off predators with a Chris Brown CD. We talked so much we forgot there was a world around us. We, ok...I, drank a lot of weeds and waters at the bar.  And sometimes we just needed a McChicken. He learned what muskmelon is, and that his mother also knew. Silly Texan.

Yellow Stitching. Pretty toe. Love!

We decided we were going to make my mom a care package and go visit her sometime. I can't tell you what all is in this care package, because she reads this. But it's going to be a good one. And part of it is going to be hilarious.

Seriously, between Nathalie and Beau, I have the two best friends. So happy and lucky to have them. Not to mention, the best family a girl could ask for. I'm just amazed by how lucky I am to have such great people in my life. 

Gone Gone Gone

I haven't written on here in awhile. And man has my life changed since the last time I wrote. It's funny how one doctor appointment can change your life. I guess I can just start from the beginning. Let me start off by saying, this is REALLY hard for me to write, but since I like to consider this an online diary...i'm going to put it all out here.

I've been having a rough time making friends out in this city. I had a ton of friends out here when I first got here. But slowly, they've all moved away. To the point where all I had left was Nathan and Nathalie. Nathan and I started having problems. Nathan is independent. VERY independent. And there's nothing wrong with that. I, however, am not. I'm not "not-independent" in that I can't do things on my own, I just really like to do things together. Nathan was on a completely different lifestyle than I was. I wake up early, go to bed early. He worked overnights. It was work trying to make time for each other. Except for Friday nights and Saturdays. But even then, it was hard to do something just him and I. I felt like we were slipping apart. The distance of never getting the chance to do things with just him, my life was going by and he wasn't really in it anymore. It was difficult.

Then I decided I needed to make more friends with people from work. I"m the only girl at my job, but I honestly didn't think much of it. I've always had friends who were male and thought nothing of it. I started hanging out with some of the guys from work. One in particular and I quickly clicked and became best friends. In fact, I've talked about him even on here. He's the one I was talking about accents with, the Southern boy. We talked about everything. All day long. We both wake up obnoxiously early to go to work, and would start talking first thing in the morning. Never anything big, just "I hate Mondays, why isn't it Friday yet". But nonetheless, we'd be talking from 7 AM until we fell asleep. When I started feeling like Nathan was slipping away from me, I called him crying. He probably saved our relationship for a few weeks. Explaining to me that relationships were hard, but if I thought he was worth it, I had to keep working on it. So I did.

Then, cancer. It's not really something you ever think about until you get that phone call. At least I know I didn't. And in that moment, things changed. I'm an emotional person, and I took the news pretty hard. I mean someone in my immediate family was going to have to start chemo. That's not something that was easy to say outloud. I was a wreck. On top of that I learned some other news that I took pretty hard as well. It was just a big sloppy mess, that all hit me like a freight train in the night.

It literally hit me all on the same day. The day before Nate was to leave for a bachelor party. Since he was going to be gone in Vegas, I had planned a weekend with my two friends that I do have here, including the boy from work. So, basically Nathalie and "Beau". One of the news that day dealt with Nathalie, so she wouldn't be around to help support me through my rough time. Which, I completely understood. That left Beau. Beau also had something come up, which was fine. I was going to be home alone while in a completely wrecked state of mind. I begged Nathan to stay. To take me home to see my family, to just be with me. I needed him. He told me that he had everything paid for, it was a once in a lifetime oppourtunity, and that whether or not he got on that plane wouldn't change what happened with my family member having cancer. He wasn't going to put his life on hold for me when it wasn't going to make a difference. I begged him once again to stay. He told me I needed to stop being dramatic. I told him if he got on that plane, I couldn't guarantee he'd have a girlfriend when he came home. He looked at me and told me "I'll calm down eventually", he got on that plane, and he flew away, leaving me home alone like a wreck.

Meanwhile, Beau, knowing I'd be upset checked in on me at work every few hours, making sure I was ok. He checked the weather forecast for me in my hometown and helped me decide I could drive myself home and be back by a certain day before the expected snow storm hit. He even planned out what time I should leave my town in order to make it back without dealing with any snow. He promised to be at my apartment by the time I got home so that I wouldn't have to be back home alone. And he did.

I went home and visited my family. I spent an amazing time with them. We got manicures, went shopping, watched movies, and just talked. It was probably one of the best weekends I have had. It made me realize how much I love my family and how much you can take someone for granted. I just started thinking of all these things I want to do with my mom and dad and my sister. I started thinking of that book, with the two sisters and one had cancer. And everybody paid attention to the sister with the cancer, not knowing what was going to happen to her. She ended up being fine and living a happy life, but the sister who was never sick, ended up dying in a car accident. And it just had me thinking how easy it is to just take everybody for granted.

So anyway, I was driving back home from Southern Iowa, I left the time Beau told me to leave without hitting any snow, and a song came on the radio. Gone, Gone, Gone.

When life leaves you high and dry  
I'll be at your door tonight 
if you need help, if you need help  
I'll shut down the city lights, 
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe to make you well, to make you well  
When enemies are at your door 
I'll carry you way from more 
If you need help, if you need help 
Your hope dangling by a string 
Ill share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well
Give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me
And I would do it for you, for you

That's when it hit me. This song wasn't about Nathan and I. At all. I felt as though I was abandoned by the one person who I should have been able to lean on for support. And instead I was leaning on my best friend, Beau. The song was about Beau and I. I realized, here is this guy standing right in front of me for the past months, months, and I hadn't noticed how he had always been there for me, no matter the situation. I called my Mom, telling her I think I had somehow fallen for a guy and hadn't even known it. I didn't know what to do.

When I got back to my apartment, there he was. With margaritas, my favorite. He comes up to me and says "there's something I have to tell you...that thing I told you came up? I lied. Nothing came up. I just knew if I didn't tell you that I was doing something, you'd never go home to see your mom, and I knew you really needed to go." He did that, and I was pushed over the edge. It's horrible for me to admit this, and I feel so guilty, I do. But I was gone. Beau however, didn't know anything had changed with how I felt with him. He just acted like normal ole Beau, being my new best friend with his southern accent.

Nathan came home the next day and I picked him up at the airport. Instead of checking in on how I was doing after leaving me home alone in a wrecked state alone (he had no idea everything I had done over the weekend) his first words were "I'm hungry, can we stop for food?". I told him it was way past my bedtime, which it was for how early I wake up. He said "fine, whatever. Why are you being like this? Are you still mad because I left?" I told him that I was, and that I would probably be mad for awhile. He told me I was just being ridiculous. That's when I knew things could never go back. We broke up two days later. 

To be honest, I was so exhausted emotionally already that I was upset about my decision to end things with him for about....three hours. Maybe five. Naturally the first person I called right after I did it was Beau. He told me he was sorry for what had happend with me and him, then sent me a picture of a lab puppy and told me "maybe chelsea could cheer me up". 
That's the mess that is my life.  It's not exactly a story I'm proud to tell by any means. And it's not like I was out there looking for somebody. To be honest, that fact that I fell for a guy who was my best friend came as a complete surprise. Listening to that gone gone gone song, I seriously said to myself, outloud alone in my car..."oh my God, it's Beau".