Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Why I Hate Driving.

I almost died today. Seriously. I was driving home from work, listening to Drink In My Hand by Eric Church when I stopped at a red light. I was on a six lane, a main drag through the city, one I take everyday. I had all my windows down, and my sunroof open. I had my left arm hanging out the window and was singing along to my future husband. The speed limit on this particular road is 40, but everybody is usually coasting by at around 50/55 mph. This is a long light, and I have no patience or attention span so I look over at the person in the car beside me. Old woman, staring straight forward. Probably retired. Probably somebody's grandmother. Nothing too exciting. I look at the truck in front of me. The license plate shows they are from in state, boring. I always look for out of state plates, I have since I was a kid, and then make up stories as to why they are here. Are they just passing through? Do they really live here? How long was their drive? How much further do they have? You get the idea. But once again, nothing too exciting. So then I look in my rearview mirror. A semi. Only seeing this wasn't a boring run of the mill sight. This guy is still coming full throttle ahead. The only thing between me and this fast moving heavy semi is a couple hundred feet. I can't take my eyes off my rearview mirror. I can't move. I'm sitting there, frozen. This guy is going to smash into my back end, going 50 while I'm stopped. I'm going to be smashed to death in between a semi and this pickup truck. I'm scared out of my mind. Hurry and turn green, light. Please. Closer. COME ON, TURN GREEN ALREADY!! Closer, and closer. He's not slowing. How does this guy not see the string of cars all stopped at this stoplight?! I look around for somewhere to go. I'm in the far right lane, there's about four vehicles ahead of me and a string to my side. On the other side, the curb. I have nowhere to go. I am going to die. Do I jump out of the car? What the hell do you do? The driver must have finally snapped back into reality because next thing I knew the truck wasn't heading for me anymore. He vearing slightly off to the right. The light turns green, about time. The cars in front of me start moving. The semi behind me ends up jumping the curb to our right and flying forward until he finally comes to a complete stop in the intersection where we were stopped. That's a distance of five cars I'd like to point out. It was probably the scariest 10 seconds of my life. The fastest 10 seconds of my life. What do I do? I only have 10 seconds left to live. Why isn't that semi driver paying attention to me?! It was the slowest 10 seconds of my life. The light was taking forever to change. What are we waiting for? How long have I been sitting here? Why isn't it green? It was a scary situation. You have to trust every single other person on the road. It doesn't matter I check my mirrors religiously. It doesn't matter I always use my turning signals and try to always pass on the right. It doesn't matter I refuse to text or talk on the phone when I drive. What matters is everybody else on the road. It's putting your life in everybody else on the road's hands. It's scary when you really think about it. Reminds me why I used to pretty much have a panic attack anytime I had to drive. So stop driving like assholes. All it takes is a few seconds of not paying attention and it's all over.  I think my guardian angel deserves a very special "Thank You" today. She sure was looking out for me today. Also, I love you all.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My Neighbor Is A Bitch

Maddie has learned to not be bothered by her spray collar. She is now a barking machine. It's making the neighbors hate us. Which they already did, as evident by the nice letters they've left attached to our door. Or the fact they stole our doormat. Or that they stole our Christmas wreath. Just another reason to add to the list of why we are such horrible neighbors I guess. But it's funny because we don't do anything. Jenna Marbles said it best. Watch her video. It sums up what I was going to write today anyways. HERE

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Summertime Barbie.

Fake tan. It's ok, go ahead and make some Snooki jokes, I don't care.  I keep getting compliments on my "glow" from a spray can. But let me tell you something, just in case anybody else wants to join me in this tan revolution, some are better than others.

First of all, the lotions. The gradual building ones or the wait three hours and you are nice and bronze ones. I hate them. It is WAY too easy to get a streaky look. Or in between my fingers become ten times darker than the rest of me, even when I remember to wash my hands afterwards. I just don't like them. I always use the spray tans. Plus, even now when I can't ask my ex to spray my back, I learned it IS possible for me to reach back there and not have an awkward white spot in the middle.

I'm going to tell you about two spray tan brands I've already used a lot towards the end of "winter".

Banana Boat Summer Color
The only good things about this spray tan are:  
  •  The nice citrusy smell when it is drying
  • Price

The bad things about this spray tan are:
  • One can only lasts 3 tans, if you're lucky
  • The wide bottle is hard to hold onto when you are damp from a shower  (that may be my freakishly small hands)
  • Dropping the can constantly makes me streaky. Everywhere. Not cute.
  • Takes FOREVER to dry (ok, only about 5-10 minutes, but I never claimed to be patient)
  • The color makes me look "orange" not "bronze"
  • The color only lasts about two days before you have to redo your tan
  • If you don't redo your  tan, it starts coming off in a way that I look freckled...and it's completely noticable...and embarassing. People WILL ask what kind of rash you have all over your body.

L'oreal Paris Sublime Bronze ProPerfect Salon Airbrush

The bad things about this spray tan:
  • The smell is not pleasant, and perfumes/lotions/sprays won't cover it up
  • That's about it

The good things about this spray tan:
  • One can will last 3 tans, sometimes 3 1/2
  • The bottle is thin so it's easy to hold onto while spraying yourself
  • Easy to get an even, streak-free tan
  • You spray and it seems like 30 seconds later you are dry
  • Nobody knows it's a fake tan because it looks so natural
  • I only have to "tan" about two times a week
  • Fades naturally, getting lighter and lighter and not noticeably "flakey"
I love this brand, and if we were at the store together shopping for tans, I'd probably convince you to only be loyal to this kind. Seriously, I get compliments all the time from people, and when I tell them where I got it from (not outdoors, not a tanning bed, but from me at home with a spray bottle and the jams on) they look at me like I'm downright lying to them.

So ladies, go out there and buy one bottle. Take your time spraying yourself so you don't miss anywhere, and you will probably get some fancy compliments. You're welcome.

Monday, March 19, 2012

It's Too Late To Apologize.

So I finally decided I was going to do it. I was going to buy those shoes I've been obsessing about. Those reebok realflex. Sarah and I planned on going shopping Friday after work for some green clothes to wear on our adventures on St. Patty's day, and I decided I was finally going to get them that day. Then the following conversation occured:

"Hey Sweets, whatchya doin?" -Me
"Just bought a new pair of shoes" -Man
"By shoes you mean moccasins right?" -Me (He always wears slippers as shoes like I do, too)
"No, real shoes. A pair of Reeboks. Realflex" -Man

Awesome. I never told him I was obsessed with those shoes. I never told him I was also planning on buying those shoes that day. So what was I supposed to do? Wait for him to come over after work and be like "oh hey, I went shoe shopping today too and bought the same shoes as you!!". No. That's creepy. If this were vice versa I'd be like "welp, you're super weird and creepy, see ya!" and not bother responding to his texts or phone calls. So instead I got a pair of Asics.

Cuuute right?! Yep, those colors too. I don't know what's been with me and buying green things lately. But these babies are SO comfortable. My feet weren't killing me by the end of the day like they normally do. 

Maybe my feet were killing me because I had been wearing a pair of Reeboks that I bought almost two years ago. I had the Reetones.  You know, those ones with the balance balls on the bottom that tone your butt and thighs? I'm not too sure on the whole toning my butt and thighs part, but those shoes were like walking on clouds. SO COMFORTABLE!
But then I stepped on something at work, and it deflated my balance ball. Just on one foot. I was walking funny the rest of the day because one shoe was higher than the other, one shoe had balance and the other didn't. It was just awkward for how I walked and how it felt, and it hurt so bad. The good news about my new shoes is that if I step on something sharp, my shoes won't deflate! :)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Are We Off-Roading?

Sarah and I should not be allowed to hang out. Not at work, not outside of work, not period. We talk all day at work, then as soon as we are off work we are either together or texting/voxering each other. It's unnatural. But I'm loving it. Here are some quotes just from today:

"Is that a weiner dog?" -Me, talking about a new resident's dog
"You sure know a weiner when you see one!" -Sarah
"Hahahaha" -Us

"Most guys don't like to cuddle, but I lucked out because mine does! It's probably because he gets to put his face in my boobs...but HEY! I'LL TAKE IT!" -Sarah

Then we were hanging out at my apartment, playing with Maddie when my phone goes off. It's the sexy beast Man. 
"Hey babe, can I ask a HUGE favor" -Him
"Yeah, what's up?" -Me
"I forgot to grab my lunch on my way out, can you bring it to me?" -Him
"Break at 7?" -Me
"Sure is. You with Sarah?" -Him
"Yeah..." -Me
"Oh God, what are you two doing now?" -Him
"YOUR GIRLFRIENDS RETARDED!!" -Sarah in the background
"Tell Sarajevo (his nickname for her) she's wrong because you are fucking awesome"-Him
"Ok sweets, i'll be there sometime around 7"-Me

Like everything I do with him, I was late. We tried not to be though. It's just usually when I get supper with him on his lunch break we meet somewhere, like subway, nearby where he works. But because it's the end of the week before a holiday, and a big one for beer companies, he's been working long hours and skips his break so he can not come over too late. So it's the first time I've taken food to his actual work place. We put the address into TomTom and it's getting me there all fine and dandy until it takes me onto this street blocked off my rocks. Big ones. 

"It's fine Ella, just drive over them" -Sarah

That's exactly why Sarah is not in charge of driving when we are together. So I sit there in the road. I mean, really? There are boulders in the street. TomTom left that small detail out! So we finally find our way to his job and it's 7:50. 

"Thanks babe, I wasn't expecting you this early" -Him

So he sat in the car, talked with us for a few minutes, and then went back to work. We whistled at him as he walked away and yelled "XXXX is a hottie!". He was embarassed. Sarah and I are really good at embarassing him anywhere that we go. 

Then we went back to my apartment. We decided to mess around on the most addicting website, after facebook. Pinterest. We saw this card and just started dying of laughter.

It's really convenient for us that our men are really good friends. So we can do crazy crap like this and they just understand "the girls must have been together again". Haha. So yep, we both made one. I'm not good at drawing though, and yeah, stick figures aren't really "drawings" but it was still hard! Mine looks like somebody is suffocating someone into the floor. On the inside I wrote "true". Sarah just drew an anatomical drawing.  Now if I actually give this card to him, that's another story.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Don't Be Fallin In Love When She's Walking Away

Sooo, yeah, disregard that statement I made yesterday about not going to Chicago because I'm saving my money. Well, halfway disregard it. I'm still not going to Chicago, but I'm doing horrible at saving my money. I made a big purchase today, after paying off my student loans for the month, thanks. I'm not completely irresponsible!

New iPod!!
 I bought me a brand spankin' new iPod Nano. A lovely green one. I'm pretty sure I stood there debating between the green one and the pink one for ten years. I chose green because it matches my car. That was my thinking. Seriously? Who does that?

 So now I'll be spending the next few days of free time going through my iTunes. Which songs need to be added to it, which songs need to be taken off, etc. This is such a long drawn out process for me because I'm OCD crazy. I mess with my playlists, make sure all the genres are correct, all the artists names match, and yeah...all that jazz. It takes me another 10 years.

BUT!! now I can start running again. Thank God because my legs are so mad at me. I lay in bed at night and my legs are just screaming to run. Forget that I run around the nursing home all day like a chicken with their head cut off, my legs don't think that's enough. It's like they have a mind of their own. But I'm scared to go back, I know my first run again is going to suck, and suck hard. (That's what she said). I can also start listening to more than 20 songs on my way to work and back every day. So that will be good. Those songs on that CD...they are NOT getting put on my iPod. Oh Hell no! I've heard them all so much that before the song is over, I know what's coming next. I've even learned the shuffle on my car isn't a shuffle bc it plays them out of order, but in the same order every time. Like song 6, to song 12, to song 2, etc. Is it sad I know that? Yeah, it is isn't it?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A Change In The Weather

Well, I cooked for the new man. Annnd...he loved it! Whew! That's such a relief because the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach! Then again, when I picked pizza and sour gummy worms I shouldn't have been surprised that he liked it. Any man would. What's that you say? NO! No, I don't think that meal doesn't count as me cooking for him! Of course it counts! I had to put it in the oven! I had to set the timer! What about that isn't cooking!?

Two days later I was at his place and he cooked me supper. The man can cook! He has himself a fancy spice rack and everything. In my defense, I did ask if I could help make it and he said I could. But then I got off work late, had to run some errands, tan, shower, get dressed, do my hair, doll up my face, and then make the 40 minute drive to his side of the city. He had supper all but cooked by the time I got there.

"Jeez babe, when you said you'd be here around 5, I thought maybe you'd be here at 5:30. But 7? That's a record."

I think I've been late every time we've set a time to meet somewhere. Which is very unlike me and I feel bad! I keep telling him I'm not like this, but I'm thinking he's not going to believe me much longer. Can't say I blame him. But which of those tasks that made me late was I going to skip? None. I was going to skip none of them. 

Then, despite me being 24 and him being 28 we decided to do something CRAZY! Hold onto your seats boys and girls because we played the game LIFE. I warned him I had mad skill at that game. He told me you "can't have skill on a game based off chance". Boy was he wrong because I kicked his ass. Then I discovered he had never seen the movie Baby Mama. Half the random crap I spit out comes from ridiculously bad/funny movies such as that. So we had to watch it. He loved it, or pretended to at least. 

Nick, Lilly, and I have this bad habit of automatically getting into either A) Asian accents , B)redneck accents, or C) Indian accents whenever the three of us are together. We've done it since we've all moved in together. And by now it's just habit. We don't even realize we do it. So Man told me this joke:

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies."
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him." So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"

I think I died. I was crying.  And,  no, I'm not racist, I just thought it was funny. So don't take offense to it, I wasn't meaning it to be rude. And besides, people make fun of my "accent" all the time. Even though I don't have one and people from Tennessee do.

This weekend is St. Patrick's day. I had plans to roadtrip to Chicago with some girlfriends but I had to cancel. I figured I should use my money in more productive ways, such as paying off my student loans and not blow it on trips, even though I would have LOVED to go. So instead I'll be here. Home alone. Nick is going to Chicago and Lilly is going to her family's house in North Carolina. I will be eating green eggs and ham for breakfast, going to Erin and watching the parade, then doing who knows what. Man is in charge of the planning. I do know that around 4 we will be meeting up with Sarah and her man and going downtown.   And since I live the closest to downtown we will be taking a cab back to my place that night and all four of us will be crashing here. So my sentence about being home alone was pretty much a lie. My bad. Forgive me?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Where'd They Go?!

Val and I went to a mall today after work. I needed new earrings because I have to get a special kind since I'm allergic to most metals. Otherwise my ears bleed, and that's pretty sexy. Brings all the boys to the yard. So we went to Victoria's Secret and Bath and Body Works. We tried on bras, tons of them. And smelled all of the perfumes. I tried on the Bombshell bra. It makes you look two cup sizes bigger. And let me tell you what. No. No no no! Maybe on some girls it looks cute, but I looked ridiculous.

But that's all the excitement I have for today! Bet you weren't expecting a bra post!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Out Of The Comfort Zone!

UPDATE: "Guy" who I eventually revealed to be named Jacob and I are no longer whatevering/seeing each other/dating. It was nothing he did and it was nothing I did, and he's a great guy who will find and make some girl really happy someday. However, I am not that girl, and he is not that guy for me.  In the months I was seeing him though I learned that not every guy is a jerk or a cheater or just plain mean. So I'll be grateful to him for reminding me of that. Recently I have been dating a new Guy, whos name I will also not reveal until, and IF, it becomes a little more serious.


Guy told me I don't know how to relax. Which is probably true, because even on my days off I have a tendency to still get up early and pound out a bunch of things on my to do list before noon rolls around. So he told me to pack a bag and stay at his house for my weekend off. He lives here in town, but way on the opposite side of town, a good 40 minute drive away. So I packed a backpack and headed off to his side of town. Since I met him through mutual friends and he wasn't getting off work until late I met up with one of those mutual friends at a little bar. This bar is awesome! It's not a normal bar. It's bright and has games everywhere. Like Jenga with 2x4s, foosball tables, and shuffleboard. So Sarah and I played some games until Guy and her boyfriend got there. Natually, like any girls we took bathroom pictures.

Once the guys got there the four of us all hung out together. Only it was more like me and sarah hanging out and the guys hanging out. Then I met a guy from Fairfield Iowa! Seriously, who knew there were so many around here! He was in the grade ahead of me. I didn't know him but we had a lot of mutual friends. We stayed until the bars closed, then we went back to Guy's house and Sarah and her man went to his place.

The next morning I woke up early, like 8:30.
"Hey, wake up!" -Me
"Joella, no. Go back to sleep. You're learning how to relax" -Guy
"Can we do something productive today? Just one thing?" -Me
"Sure, in a few hours" *pushes me back down* "Now go back to sleep" -Guy

Well, he got his way because we weren't productive all day. And he got me addicted to Blood Marys. Next he said I needed to learn how to try new things and not eat the same things over and over. So he ordered everything from every restaurant this weekend. And he's right! I tried things I NEVER would have ordered on my own. Like fried brussel sprouts, shrimp tacos, buffalo flavored hamburgers, taco waffle fries, etc. 

That night the four of us went to fights. That's another thing I never would have done. It was meh but it was fun because I knew he was having a good time. I'll probably only go to the next one if he wants me to, not because I want to.

Then after that we went to the bar, watched some karoke, then went home and went to bed.

Sunday was pretty much the same time. But substitute going to the move Safe House for going to fights. 

I also got him to watch The Voice. It took some convincing, but he did. And when it was over he said he'd watch it every week with me. I told him to pick a team, but obviously I had dibs on Blake. He picked team CeeLo. So he better not win!

Somehow he convinced me to cook him supper Thursday. Oh God. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. This could be scary!