Tuesday, July 5, 2011

To You (Venting)

Dear You,
I still remember that day. Perfectly. I came home from one job, and had an hour to grab lunch, change and go to my other job. I pulled into my parking lot and there you were. You were crying I could tell because there were tears running down your face. I opened my car door and you hugged me. You told me you missed me, that you realized how big of an asshole you had been to me, and how I had always been the one person there for you. You told me you loved me and never wanted to be without me. You gave me the key to my heart in a necklace form and told me you'd work for it everyday. You promised to never hurt me again. You promised to always try. You promised to always love me. I gave you another chance, and as you hugged me I asked one simple thing "To please not break my heart again, and if you do, please tell me so I don't get hurt this bad again". Yet look where we are. You are trying to make me look like the person in the wrong. You broke those promises. I didn't. You can accuse me of "watching you like a hawk" and "always asking questions to know where you are". Well, good thing my intutuion told me something was up, because you had plans to meet people at some sexual bathhouse. Good thing I asked questions when you kept smiling at your phone. Because I know what kind of perverted pictures you were taking on there now. Good thing I checked your work schedule to make sure you were really there, because you can always "tell people I'm at work and go and meet them somewhere" like you did in Iowa. You know what hurt the most? When I was crying, when I first started getting these feelings. You asked what was wrong, and I said "I'm afraid of getting my heart broken" and you said "fuck you joella..." and walked out. You know what else hurts? That you cuddled with me watching fireworks last night over the Gulf, your head in my lap. And telling me you love me. Then you go home and email those nasty things as if that night which meant everything to me, was just a show/a game for you. And now I'm sitting here with a broken heart, and God knows what you are doing.
You say I ruined your life by making you move to Florida with me. You ruined it yourself by refusing to communicate with me. You never once told me you didn't want to come to Florida. I have 3 years worth of emails telling me you would love to live in Florida with me. How was I supposed to know you didn't want to come when you've been telling me that for years and never the truth? Have you ever told me the truth about anything for that matter? Because looking back now... our start was a lie. how you even knew my mom was a lie. that you wanted to move to florida with me was a lie. that you wanted to marry me was a lie. that you loved me was a lie.
What did I ever do to you to make me want to hurt you so bad? Was it all the times I was there for you in Iraq? Or all the times I helped you with school? Was it all the times I attempted to make you happy, such as making sure you had an ice cold beer ready when you came home from work? You asked my dad the question for crying out loud. Yet you texted me today telling me you wanted to break up with me long before the move and couldn't find a way. You asked my dad the question a few days before our move. So either you were really getting into the game, or you text is a lie.
But all the nasty things you've told me: to go kill myself because know one would care anyways, that you cheated on me because you hated me 90% of the time anyways, that you would beat the shit out of me if i ever showed up at our apartment in iowa again, I didn't deserve. I didn't deserve the time you choked me in a drunken rage in our bathroom or having your fist bruised into my arm for 2 weeks bc I wanted to talk when you were asleep. I didn't deserve to be cheated on repeatedly for months at a time. I didn't deserve waking up in the middle of the night, you being gone from our apartment and when I called you you telling me to "mind my own f*cking business".
So go ahead and complain all you want that I ask too many questions. Tell yourself I was a horrible person for getting suspicious when you smiled at text messages you were getting at 1 AM when thats how you had cheated in the past. Keep lecturing me on how I have no backbone because I'm afraid to stand up to you. What you have done to me, I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Because it sucks.
You say I ruined your life. No. I put your education on hold for a year, maybe. You, however, have ruined mine. You have taught me not to trust. You have taught me that true love doesn't exist. You have ruined my self esteem, knowing that my best and all my love isn't enough to keep even the slightest bit of respect for you.
I'm sitting here balling, and you are threatening to call the police on me for having a bracelet you gave to me as an anniversary present two years ago. You are sending me nasty messages when really it should be you crying.
I've never done anything but try to help you, and yet all you can do for me in return is stab me in the back. Not just once. But over and over and over. Then you bandage me up and do it again. Only this time you stabbing me is somehow my fault. It's my fault because I "made up those emails." " They weren't on your computer." "You didn't make that account on craigslist" and you "weren't talking to Michelle (the girl you cheated on me with)" even though your history on your computer shows otherwise. Good thing you cleared your history after I showed it to you, huh.
So you can move back to Iowa and have a grand old life with Michelle. Then when you get tired of her, you can just, you know, make her feel like complete shit. Use her, point out all her insecurities, make some up just to really get her low, then you can cheat on her too and make it her fault.
Weird. Because I'm the Michelle in the beginning of our story. Don't you remember? Your wife. You know, that girl you are still married to, to this day. If I could call her up and apologize, I would. You've always made her out to be some crazy lady, and that's what you are going to do to me. You were married to her, but still bought me two engagement rings because I didn't like the first one? You were married to her and asking my dad for permission for my hand in marriage. Yet this whole time not only were you sneaking around my back, you also knew you weren't going to divorce her. You knew we would never get married. And you knew it would never go farther than dating. So why did you drag my heart around like it was a piece of trash for almost four years? Seriously. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even feel my arms I'm so shaken up. And yet you are probably laying in "our" bed right this second, talking to some girl on the phone, not a care in the world what you have done to me. And that's what hurts. Knowing I care and cared so much, and you....you don't care at all. To you I am nothing more than trash.
Somebodys trash is another man's treasure. And someday I will be that treasure. The problems you and I had? The ones about me watching you like a hawk and always asking questions? Those stem from your lack of communication (yes yours, not mine, because you always told me I want to talk about our feelings too much so it is YOURs) and the consequences of infidelity. We won't have those. And if you had kept the promises you had made to me...we wouldn't have had them either. So keep congratulating yourself for "changing for me". We both know the only thing you changed is how careful you are about letting your cheating ways get caught.

1 comment:

  1. Amen Joella!!! Don't let anyone lower your self esteem. You are a wonderful person and one day he will regret what he has done. He will regret for letting you go. What goes around comes around.