Tuesday, July 5, 2011

An Unexpected Twist In The Chapter

I am absolutely disgusted right now. I was in love with that boy so much it hurt, literally. I love the way he smells and the gap between his front teeth. I love how he looks bald because his hair is so light in the sun. I love....him. But what do you do when you find out the person you love doesn't love you back? That to them you just ruined their life? That not having you in their life would make them happier than having you in it? What do you do when you find out that on top of all that they were cheating on you the whole time? That they hadn't been faithful to you in over 9 months? That's 9 months of living a lie. Of being drug around with no respect. Like you are a game.

I feel like a complete idiot. I knew this would happen as he cheated on me before. Yet he sweet talked his way back into my heart. And that boy, he can sweet talk. He came promising to change. Promising to work on things that we struggled with. Don't get me wrong, this boy did all those things. Then something happened. I guess he realized he didn't love me. He just realized I was a stupid girl who would take him back no matter what he did to me. He could have the best of both worlds. A girl at home and still live the single and mingle life. My intuition was telling me something wasn't right. He stopped going to bed with me at night. Stopped cuddling. Stop calling me pet names. Just little stuff, but it was putting up a big red flag in my mind.

So I know I shouldn't have. But I did. I went through his computer. He was talking to that same girl he cheated on me with before. He also had a secret craigslist account where he was emailing dirty pictures of himself to other people. He denied that too. However, you can clearly see our apartment in the background, you can clearly see our living room. And, ahem, I know what he looks like, it has been 3 1/2 years.

He's blaming it on me. Telling me nasty things, trying to make me feel guilty. I'm not the one cheating on him. I'm not the one leaving bruises on his arm. I'm not the one telling me nasty things. We've gone through this cycle so many times that I'm so ready to be over. I won't lie, I'm extremely hurt. I do love this guy, more than anybody I've ever loved in my entire life. I thought I wanted to build a life with him, start a family.

But it was proven "once a cheater, always a cheater". Cheaters have their ways and they aren't going to change. Someday I'm going to meet a man and he's going to do all the sweet things he did (open my door, kiss my forehead, etc) yet he will cause me more smiles than tears.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what words were the truth. Did he ever love me? Or was I just a game? Will he be happier tonight than ever before, knowing he'll never see me again? Will he wonder where I am or if I'm ok? When he took me on dates was he wishing I was somebody else? When he called me beautiful, did he ever really believe it? Or was he saying it to keep me swooning over him?

When he was talking to that other girl (one time when we were cuddled up watching a movie together) did he know he was breaking my heart, while I was in his arms? Did he not think of how I would feel if I knew what he was doing? Did seeing the bruise on my arm regret him touching me? Or was he proud of his work, that he messed up this girl who ruined his life? Was I not pretty enough for him? Was I not nice enough for him? What was I not doing right?

These are questions I know I'll never get answered. And they'll always hurt, and I'll always wonder about them. I've been thinking with my heart, and know it's time to start thinking with my brain. My heart loves him, and a part of it will always will. But you know what? I deserve so much more. I didn't deserve half of the nasty things I've heard him say to me during our years together. I didn't deserve to be cheated on. And I sure as hell didn't deserve being called a liar when I confronted him about it.

Am I completely innocent in this whole thing? No. I know I'm not. I've messed up too. But I have NEVER cheated. Have I said things I regret? Yes. Were there times I wish I could go back and do things differently? Yes. Was I controlling? Yes. Did I blow some things out of proportion? Oh heck yes. But the truth is, this whole relationship was built on a lie. From our very first conversation. That should have been a giant red flag when I figured it out a few months later, and I should have stopped things right there and then. I should have never spent 4 years on a relationship built on such an unstable foundation. But, I did. And there's nothing I can do to change that now. The only thing I can do now is move forward. The last time I thought "what if I give him just one more chance?" and I knew if he ever came back, I'd be with him. But now, there are no what ifs. I know what will happen. And that is I will be cheated on and end up broken hearted.

This boy has had too many of my tears. He's caused more tears in our four years than he has genuine smiles. He has absolutely no respect for me, and every "I love you" has been a lie. And you know what? I'm going to come to peace with that. And I'm going to move on.

"If he takes off his ring for you, he'll have no problem cheating on you either"

I thought I was different. I thought we were meant to be. But you know what? I'll be ok. I was expecting this chapter to end with a marriage or an engagment, and maybe it still will. But one thing I do know is that I need to be strong. It's going to be hard. I need to take some "me" time now. Work on building my career and a having a new life. I have a plan though and that's to take it one day at a time. I'm done planning out my future because life can always throw you a curve ball.

He was a major part of your life; of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it, you’re relieved. But how many times do you run your tongue over the spot where it once was ? Probably a hundred times a day.just because it was hurting you, doesn’t mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it always takes some time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s still going to hurt.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

1 comment:

  1. You will get through this, and your family will always be there to help you. Please listen to what your family has to say. You may think we are stupid and don't know anything, but we do. We love you dearly.