Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Oh Darling

 "And I wanna know would you treat me well
Would you treat me like a queen
Cause I’d like to show you and make you see
That although we’re different types
We were meant to be"

There are two of you. The one who wrote me love poems, cuddled me, told me I was beautiful, and always brushed the hair out of my eyes. My soul mate, my LOML, my first love. Then there was the other one of you. The one who ripped apart my self esteem, left fist sized bruises on my arm for weeks at a time, cheated on me multiple times, and somehow made everything my fault.

I've been doing great since July 5th. And the day I sent that last check to Tampa I breathed a giant sigh of relief knowing my suffering was all over. I've never felt any lower in my life than having you hurt me physically, emotionally, and mentally all at the same time in the ways that you did. And quite honestly, I'm feeling ecstatic knowing that this time I'm not just saying "it's over" and secretely wondering when you'll let me come back to you. Because  I never will. And I know I'll always be in love with you. One of your halves, anyways. Because that one of you was perfect with me.

But the way I've been surviving is by convincing myself that you have died. And you have. You have been taken over by your other half, and that's a half that I have no desire ever knowing again.

I am so thankful for everything you taught me though. I'll never give anybody a second chance, because once you are a cheater, you are always a cheater. You'll just get better at hiding it. I sure as hell won't stay with someone after they lay their hands on me. I've learned I have the strength to move to a new city and make it on my own, without you. I know I have good friends, and can be friend's with a new guy's friends and actually get along with them. I know that the only person I can let myself fully trust with my own happiness and my heart is myself, and I wear the key to my heart everyday. (In fact I bought a gold one as well so i can always have it match my outfit). Unlike your original idea to trade it in when you earn it, nobody will ever earn it because I know now to not ever give anybody such power over my own emotions. I've learned I can't be mad at you forever. But I've also learned that forgiving you doesn't mean I'm ok with  what you did, it just means I'm finally at peace with the fact that I can't go back and change what happened.

Without you I never would have achieved my life goal by the age of 23 and for that I'll forever be grateful. But my life goals have changed and now I have new ones to achieve. And I know I can do them. Someday, if I ever see you on the street, I won't stop and ask you how you've been. Instead I'll keep walking and think of how you used to be and how deeply I felt for you. I'll smile at the memory and keep walking forward.

1 comment:

  1. You're so much stronger and independent after this whole ordeal. I'm super proud of you <3