Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Random Thoughts For A Rainy Day

Yesterday my mom asked me what I want for Christmas. I remember being young and going through the giant toys R us magazine, circling half of it, and wanting a million things more. I remember buying cookies at Hy-Vee for Santa, and leaving carrotts for the reindeer. I remember waking up way too early and peaking in my stocking because Santa didn't wrap stocking stuffers. Julyn would try to peak into her presents, and mine as well, or even find them where they were hidden before they were wrapped. Nope, not me. I hated that. I loved watching Molly open her presents the most.

Now Christmas is always bittersweet. I can keep up the tradition of spending the day at my grandmother's house, like I have for years, but doing so leaves my Dad home alone on Christmas day. Or I can stay home with my father so he's not alone, and miss seeing half of my family all home together, which happens, well, once a year.

Sometimes I just imagine myself in a few years, where I'm married and have my own children, just so that people can come to us and have to pick and choose between their own family members on a day dedicated to spending it with your family. Because it sucks. No matter which way I choose, somebody is going to feel let down by me. No matter which way I choose I'll feel guilty for leaving one of my parents "childless" for the day or whatever. It almost feel easier to just avoid the holidays and work them. At least there would be holiday, and if I'm lucky holiday pay on top of that. That'd be pretty awesome and guilt free! But who honestly wants to spend Christmas day at work hours away from their family?

I guess I'm not really sure where this post is coming from. It's not even mid November yet...which I would know because that would mean I'm officially 24. God, I'm getting old. Is there such thing as a quarter life crisis? Because I think that's been my 23rd year. It's probably been the suckiest, emotionally. But it's been filled with....sooo much. Moving out and getting back together with my first love. Moving to Florida....which was my life goal. Working with teenage criminals, working with children with mental retardation, to working with the elderly. I've made friends in many different towns and states. I've strengthened relationships with old friends, and broken off all the relationships with people who were not the kind of people I wanted to keep in my life.

So, yeah, maybe 23 was one of my worst years, but I'd never change any of it. I really honestly believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that even the smallest decisions you make can change your whole course of life. I also believe in Karma and I believe that someday I'm going to go through each of the things I struggle with and realize why I had to deal with them. Only time will tell.


  1. I have discovered what love is. The first day I ever met you, I dream of that night every night since I have met her. The pure joy of love swept over my body as if by a warm blanket. The look in her eye as I began to open the door my this moment in reality covered my thoughts as I embraced this angel. It is as if my whole life I had waited for you. Why cant our love go back to what it was when you I was yours and you were mine and that’s all there was.
    My dreams I used to look forward to every night have turned into a nightmare and I can not stand to sleep, my mind racing with thoughts of our love at its purest, the simple ways to say I love you, what happen to the times when we were captivated by each other, tiny looks subtle gestures to show our love, I want us back, not the us of today, the one of yesterday I want the us that when my eyes open in the morning I don’t ever want to blink for holding on to each second of life with you it to precious to lose a fraction of time. I get lost in my webs of memories of you trying to find just the right one to fall asleep to.
    My brain is telling me to walk away from you but heart tells me if I do I will never find the love of my life, I cant stand to live with out you to be in presence of you and seeing you smile every time I look at you, what fools are we to let this love between us fade into the darkness. Are we so blinded by the pain that we forget of what we had? Do I not fill your heart and soul with a blissful love?
    As the memories start to fade I begin to fall ill, losing sight of love and there is not pill I can take to ease the pain, its so sick that it turned into this sort of game. Hanging on by my finger tips I can not grasp the concept of this juncture, as the walls begin to shake and the building begins to fall. Our love is just like this structure we spend countless hours of every waking day emerging in each others grace. To watch this tower of love fall the onset of depression consumes every part of my being.
    Despair covers my world, the clinch of death screams out loud knowing victory will soon be his. He fills my head with the evil laughter of success with growing fears of eternal confusion. Searching desperately for any site of you, wondering aimlessly with no sense of direction, my heart cant seem to lead itself back to you, blurred by sadness, drowning in tears, I have searched years for you only to be shunned away.
    Where do I go from here, is what I ask myself knowing the answers frightens me more than I am willing to endure. So as I lay my weary heart to rest tonight I fear my nightmares the endless hold they have on my thoughts. So I will continue to walk these shadowy gallows with fate trailing far behind, though this fear hunts me I fade into a state of oblivion, never to find love again.

    (Just random thoughts, not intended to persuade one way or another,

  2. Wooooow.. ANONYMOUS is a fucking doucher.

    Anyway!! Christmas is always bittersweet. But I already have your present bought!! Kinda.. And I have my pink tree we had in CR all packed up. I just have to bring it up here from Moms. Do you think Adam will go for it? HAHA!!