Yesterday my mom asked me what I want for Christmas. I remember being young and going through the giant toys R us magazine, circling half of it, and wanting a million things more. I remember buying cookies at Hy-Vee for Santa, and leaving carrotts for the reindeer. I remember waking up way too early and peaking in my stocking because Santa didn't wrap stocking stuffers. Julyn would try to peak into her presents, and mine as well, or even find them where they were hidden before they were wrapped. Nope, not me. I hated that. I loved watching Molly open her presents the most.
Now Christmas is always bittersweet. I can keep up the tradition of spending the day at my grandmother's house, like I have for years, but doing so leaves my Dad home alone on Christmas day. Or I can stay home with my father so he's not alone, and miss seeing half of my family all home together, which happens, well, once a year.
Sometimes I just imagine myself in a few years, where I'm married and have my own children, just so that people can come to us and have to pick and choose between their own family members on a day dedicated to spending it with your family. Because it sucks. No matter which way I choose, somebody is going to feel let down by me. No matter which way I choose I'll feel guilty for leaving one of my parents "childless" for the day or whatever. It almost feel easier to just avoid the holidays and work them. At least there would be holiday, and if I'm lucky holiday pay on top of that. That'd be pretty awesome and guilt free! But who honestly wants to spend Christmas day at work hours away from their family?
I guess I'm not really sure where this post is coming from. It's not even mid November yet...which I would know because that would mean I'm officially 24. God, I'm getting old. Is there such thing as a quarter life crisis? Because I think that's been my 23rd year. It's probably been the suckiest, emotionally. But it's been filled with....sooo much. Moving out and getting back together with my first love. Moving to Florida....which was my life goal. Working with teenage criminals, working with children with mental retardation, to working with the elderly. I've made friends in many different towns and states. I've strengthened relationships with old friends, and broken off all the relationships with people who were not the kind of people I wanted to keep in my life.
So, yeah, maybe 23 was one of my worst years, but I'd never change any of it. I really honestly believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that even the smallest decisions you make can change your whole course of life. I also believe in Karma and I believe that someday I'm going to go through each of the things I struggle with and realize why I had to deal with them. Only time will tell.